I feel strange, being at home now. I have been traveling quite a bit in the past month, my life always moving. I went to Michigan first with my little brother, then we traveled all around there. Almost immediately after we got back, I had a birthday party, packed up, and then left for Uvalde. After two weeks there, I finally arrive back home, and I should be feeling relaxed. But I am not feeling that, I feel like I am in another hotel room, still waiting to be able to relax back in my own room.
Something I really do fear, is that I will not be able to feel the sensation of relaxing in my own room for quite a long while. I think the reason that I have this “hotel” sense is that I am not staying in my own room, in my own house. Now I must point out that I don’t blame anyone for that, and I have no resentment towards it, it just must be stated. Anyway, I have two more weeks in this “hotel room” in my own house, then I will be staying in someone else’s room for three months. Repeat that three times then I finally return home. Then what? I don’t get my old room back, as far as I am aware. When will I be able to settle myself down and just relax? I don’t know if this is “homesickness” or what it is, but I am not sure how to feel about it. A teacher once told me that she would love to see me dedicated to something one day, and those words have really stuck with me. When I take a step back and look at the past two years of my life, I have been ultimately running away from almost everything I do. Is this a bad trait? To some, the definite answer would be yes, but I disagree. I don’t know what my future holds, and I have myself convinced that when I meet my calling, it will latch on to me and I will not be able to run from it. At least, that’s what I think. Maybe wandering and trying new things around the world is what I am made for, I guess I will have to find out.
To kind of summarize what I have written: I have this ultimate feeling of restlessness even in my own home. I think this is because of the constant movement in my life, and the lack of inconsistencies. Whether I need to fix this, or whether I can keep living my life the way I have been is still a mystery to me, but I don’t think it will take long for me to realize.
Anyway, I just wanted to share that. Tomorrow my mom comes down with my brothers and Linda, our exchange student staying here. I will be able to see my brothers which I haven’t seen in weeks, and I will be able to finally meet Linda. I am sure tomorrow holds great promise in terms of a great story to share!
I keep telling myself, “ok that was the last paragraph finish it up” but then I keep thinking of things that I want to write. On the drive from Tuscon to my house, I finished up a book on Iwo Jima. The story mentioned a man who I grew very interested it, and his name was Tadamichi Kuribayashi. I am not sure if it was this man in particular that interested me, or the World War 2 Japanese ideology that interested me. The amount of patriotism in him, and the way he used his troops was captivating. I might do some more research on him in particular, maybe write a short article on him. Or maybe I will completely forget about it and never talk about it again. Either way I wanted to convey my interest in him. For real this time, I am done!